It's dazzling and confused

Actually reading after so much time the title I gave to this 3rd blog of mine, it's not really true. I am changing outside (finally!!!) but actually I feel it's happening also inside.

Yet I don't know why I let my blog so long time down. Yet I don't know why this Facebook thing started and began to be so insisting in our lives. Things haven't been so good lately. The year started with all the best purposes, but then slowly, in less than 3 weeks, step by step, went worst to worst. I hate it. I don't want to feel the way I was doing the last months in 2008, my therapy stopped just because I thought I could have been healed. I am not.

He is always so terribly aggressive with me. I feel bad, actually we broke up for one day. I finally found the strenght. But then, I gave up and accepted another chance from him. ANOTHER ONE. Since 2 years every "another one" ends up with tears and "You know it can't go on this way". 

Yes. This time I feel so doubteful and so unsure about it all that actually I start having doubt about the fact itself: Do I still love him? 

And, as a woman, the moment you start asking yourself that question, in the deepest you already KNOW the answer.

I feel sad. But actually also growing up. Since the day I told him that sentence, I feel more and more stronger. I think I am changing a lot. And everything doesn't seem to be enough anymore. From him, from my job, from myself. I am becoming another person. And I like this one, she's stronger, she's more self assured, she kinda knows what she wants. El was right: Time over time, you'll know when time's up to take the chance and make your own fate. El is always right.

I must thank my girls (and my therapist) for making me enter at least this path of growth. I don't know how it will end, but I feel this is really the year. For everything.

It's complicated

Sometimes I feel so empty... so empty that there is nothing actually that can fill my emptiness. Not alcohol, not a cigarette, not crying. Nothing. 

What the hell am I missing on Earth? I hate my job, my private life at present sincerely SUCKS, but that's all my fault. The problem is, I don't know how to go on this way, I am trying to change some things...

I feel so ugly and uninteresting, which is a pity for those who love me. I simply hate all of me, I hate myself when I do something wrong in my job (which, actually happens very rarely, but when it does, I see the total disaster I am: and can't get up again, not soon).

My therapist says I should take a trip, go away, completely away from everything I am living now. Life, job, friendships, relationship. I need to take some time for myself to understand what's really important for me and visualize the "general scheme".

Will I ever?

No way but.... here it is

I'm sorry for being back already. I just closed down my previous blog since a while, and here the need for writing out my feelings again. I'm terribly sorry for this, but I'm back.

In effetti, avendo rinunciato al sogno di quest'anno (per ora) dato che lavoro e salute non me lo hanno permesso, posso anche evitare di sbattermi a scrivere in inglese. Meglio evitare di fare errori cretini, cosi si dice, quindi tantovale pubblicare qualcosa che so essere corretto (non dal punto di vista dei contenuti, bensì grammaticalmente).

Facebook. I've been recently becoming sort of addicted a questo sito, strano, perchè mi ero cancellata da parecchi anni da tutte le community possibili a cui ero iscritta. Mi sono arrivati alcuni inviti da persone che anni fa si prendevano gioco di me, ridevano di me, e per il resto del tempo mi consideravano una nube di anidride carbonica invisibile. Ho rivisto i faccini di ragazzi e ragazze di cui avevo ricordi sfuocati, ma che sono riaffiorati all'istante. E ho anche rivisto il bel faccino di colui che mi spezzò il cuore dopo anni e anni di sofferenza inimmaginabile. E avendolo rivisto ora ricordo anche perchè mi piaceva tanto. Beh si. Cielo ho speso circa 6 anni sperando! Bah. A quel tempo non avrei mai pensato di poterlo annoverare tra i friends di Facebook.

Il web è un'arma pericolosa e me ne sono accorta a mie spese, ma ha anche dei vantaggi, sicuramente quello di ritrovare persone mai più viste, e persone che sento solo sporadicamente.

Rende comodo ciò che al giorno d'oggi ci richiede troppa fatica, mantenere i contatti e la nostra vita sociale.

Perciò suvvia, gettiamoci nel web, che in questi gionri mi fa anche comodo dato che malattie varie mi hanno bloccata a casa davanti al caminetto a non poter fare niente. Non che sia un male, avevo bisogno di riposo e il mio lavoro aveva bisogno di stare per un pò senza di me. Capitava a fagiolo, ma non è una passeggiata. Speriamo di guarire in fretta, almeno per poter tornare a fare il resto delle cose che normalmente faccio volentieri.

Beh, rieccomi allora, senza grosse pretese, ma con troppi pensieri. Non vedo l'ora che arrivi Natale.