Monday, February 9, 2009

It's dazzling and confused

Actually reading after so much time the title I gave to this 3rd blog of mine, it's not really true. I am changing outside (finally!!!) but actually I feel it's happening also inside.

Yet I don't know why I let my blog so long time down. Yet I don't know why this Facebook thing started and began to be so insisting in our lives. Things haven't been so good lately. The year started with all the best purposes, but then slowly, in less than 3 weeks, step by step, went worst to worst. I hate it. I don't want to feel the way I was doing the last months in 2008, my therapy stopped just because I thought I could have been healed. I am not.
He is always so terribly aggressive with me. I feel bad, actually we broke up for one day. I finally found the strenght. But then, I gave up and accepted another chance from him. ANOTHER ONE. Since 2 years every "another one" ends up with tears and "You know it can't go on this way". 

Yes. This time I feel so doubteful and so unsure about it all that actually I start having doubt about the fact itself: Do I still love him? 

And, as a woman, the moment you start asking yourself that question, in the deepest you already KNOW the answer.

I feel sad. But actually also growing up. Since the day I told him that sentence, I feel more and more stronger. I think I am changing a lot. And everything doesn't seem to be enough anymore. From him, from my job, from myself. I am becoming another person. And I like this one, she's stronger, she's more self assured, she kinda knows what she wants. El was right: Time over time, you'll know when time's up to take the chance and make your own fate. El is always right.

I must thank my girls (and my therapist) for making me enter at least this path of growth. I don't know how it will end, but I feel this is really the year. For everything.